Surviving Anxiety

i have a job for the fall. i will be working at a a school 45 miles away as the 3-6 grade math teacher... and another subject, too. i just don't know what it is. i've asked 3 times int he last month. i've also asked what the schedule will be and how long i'll have the students for. three times and still no response. it is making me incredibly anxious and frustrating.

then i made the mistake of looking on the website on the school district that i live in and there was a 3rd grade position open. i applied. now i am anxious about that too. will i get an interview? is this really what i want? what happens if i am offered the position? can i walk away from the other school when it is so close to the start of the school year? how will i feel about myself if i do that?

i could get really excited about both positions. the idea of the students rotating and getting to have lost of students sounds fun. and i really like math so that would be cool. but then having one grade would be amazing. that is what i feel like i'd be the best at. if i compare my student teaching (grade 4, 25 students) and last year (k-3 grade and 5 students) i was SO much more comfortable with the one grade and 25 students. that makes me lean towards the one grade.

but then the other part of me keeps thinking, "how could i do that to the school?" this makes me think about how i could do it for a year and get some more experience and then eventually be able to get into the district i live in.

but then if i am offered the position is if God saying here is your chance....


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

enough ramblings...

Surviving the Time Flying By

forgive the language...

HOLY SHIT!!!!! i only have 13 days of school left! i'm not some one who usually swears, but i couldn't really figure out another way to say how i was feeling. i can not believe that that is all i have left. i am slightly terrified because of all i have left to teach and i don't have a job for next fall, but mostly relieved because then i don't have to go to work every day with 2 people that i don't really like and i don't have to pretend that i like them.

on some other notes...
i am going to be on a sand volleyball team this summer. i am REALLY excited about it. the church that i got to sometimes is putting one together and i'm gonna be on it.

i am getting closer to finding a summer job.

i ran a 9:30 minute mile yesterday.

tomorrow is saturday.

oddly or not so oddly relieved

i'm not gonna lie; it has been a hard school year. not only was i trying to figure out how to be an effective teacher, but i had to figure out how to teach 3 grades at the same time and how to teach music. it was a lot to figure out. it wouldn't have been so bad, but the other teacher, teacher's aid, and i didn't really mesh. we were civil to eachother but things always seemed fake. (i hate when people are fake.) it was also a hard year because i felt ganged up on. the other classroom teacher and the teacher's aid are friends. i felt like they were always watching me to see when i would mess up so they could use it against me. it is really hard to go to work feeling that way.

about a month go started to be the time to think about if i wanted to come back or not. i had many sleepless nights. "can i handle it for another year?" "is it worth is?" "insert many more questions here." those nights increased as the night of negotiations neared. that was on tuesday. all my sleepless nights were for nothing. because of the low enrollment for next year they are going to go to one teacher and one teacher's aid. and i wasn't the teacher to get the job. the other teacher has a year of seniority on my. i am oddly relieved... maybe not oddly. my intention was to wait until the last moment to sign my contract and continue to look for another job. now i am free to look without feeling like i am sneeking around. it is a good feeling.

now the sleepless nights are because of the worries of not finding anything.

living for the special moments

i have a wonderful boyfriend... but we really are opposites in most way. i like to be social; he would rather stay in. i look on the bright side of things; he looks at the negative. i like to say what i'm feeling; he keeps everything inside. i like to hug, hold hands, and kiss; he likes his personal space bubble, etc.

last weekend, those differences caused a little fighting... it was not fun, not fun at all. if you know me at all you know that i hate confrontation and i hardly get mad, but i was mad twice last weekend and confronted N both times. we worked through it and there was not fighting this week.

and then there was friday. friday made up for all the hurt feelings of last weekend. After going out from supper, we came back to my apartment, and we cuddled on the couch. and then he had to go, but that is when the special moment happened. on his way out, he put his hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, said, "Night Sweety," and kissed me. i know it doesn't sound like much, but when your boyfriends doesn't usually say anything to show his feelings, it is big, really big.

it is these special moments that make life worth living.

A Long Hiatus

Wow! it has been awhile. a long while. i didn't realize how long until just now. i've been very unmotivated... but this week has changed it. we got out of school at noon on tuesday, didn't have school on wednesday, and don't have school today. the unexpected days off have been refreshing.

life has been interesting... well not really life but work. as many of you know, i work in an incredibly small school. if is nothing like anything they teach you in college.... NOTHING! they try to teach you how to make your lessons address the different levels of one grade of students, but not 4 grades. i'm not gonna lie. it has been a hard year. very hard. but i feel like things are starting to change. i feel like the 2 other teachers and i are finally starting to work together and that the i've found my grove. we had conferences last night... that helped too. it's good to know that the parents are happy and like me.

we have had 2 blizzards in the last 11 days... i was ready for spring but now i REALLY want it to come. in some places, when the calendar says it is spring, there is spring weather. that is NOT true for nd. i really want to be able to run outside again. i know i could not but i'm just not that hard core.

so here's hoping for a good final 7 weeks of school and nice weather so i can run outside.

Survivng Life

WOW! it has been a while. life has gotten busy... and i really haven't been motivated. especially when it comes to work. it kind of sucks. in november we had 2 short weeks. that is what did it. now christmas break is coming... in 12 school days, which also makes it hard to be motivated. but i will survive and rest up over break and feel more prepared for life.

here is what i really want to write. hunter has a good one this morning.

hunter: "miss s. how do you spell by?"
me: "what kind of by? Like 'i want to buy a car'?"
"no"
"Good-bye?"
"neither. like 'i shot a deer and it was a 4 by 4."
"then it is b-y"

it was so much like him...

maybe i'll have more motivation to write after december 21.

TootToot in its entirety

Once upon a time, there was a mama fish. She was a large goldfish. Her name was Shinybeth. Her home was in the seaweed of Baldwin Lake. One day she had 6 tiny babies. She named them Elizabeth, TootToot, Nemo, Allison, Henry, and KittyCat. Nemo was white and orange. He looked like a clown fish. TootToot toots all the time. He had a poke-a-dot on him that sounds like a toot. Elizabeth is blue with sparkles. KittyCat is a medium size fish. He is bright orange with dark orange stripes. Allison is the most beautiful fish ever. She has large blue eyes but had to wear glasses. Henry was the last who was born. He was the smallest and there was something special about him. He had an extra eyeball on his large green tail fin.

Shinybeth took her 6 children to the playground for a fun afternoon in the sun. TootToot was living up to his name and tooting all over the place. Little did they know that sharks liked the smell of TootToot's toots. Soon there were many blue hammerhead sharks swarming around the playground where the 6 fish were playing.

There were 13 hammer head sharks. The leaders name was Owen. He is the only hammer head that is black with a white spot on his eye. There was something special about Owen too... he also had a an eyeball on his tail fin. As the hammer head sharks were swimming around smelling TootToot's delicious toots, Owen noticed Henry. Owen had never ever, ever, ever seen another creature with an extra eye. He was so happy and excited that he wanted Henry to be his friends.

Owen gathered the other sharks around and told them that he must catch the fish with the extra eye. They decided to tie him up with seaweed and take him home. The only problem was that Henry was playing with his brothers and sisters. The sharks decided to try to scare the little fish. Owen's second in charge T-bone was in charge of making sure he caught Henry.

Owen, T-bone, and the other sharks got into positions. while Shinybeth and her friend, Daisy, were sitting on the rock bench deep in conversation, they didn't notice the 13 sharks creeping toward all six little fish. Once the sharks got to the fish they showed their teeth and shouted, "BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Elizabeth, Nemo, KittyCat, Henry, and Allison screamed at the top of their lungs. TootToot, on the other hand, tooted the smelliest toot he had ever tooted. It smelled so bad that the hammerhead sharks couldn't stand it. The turned around and swam away.

Shinybeth heard the screams of her little children and swam to see what was wrong. She found all the little fish swimming and cheering abound TootToot. She said, "What's going on?" Henry told her all that had happened. Shinybeth looked at her little TootToot and said, "I never thought I'd be thankful for how much you toot."


The End.