my mourning period

one of my best friends, c, is getting married on saturday. i feel like i am going through a mourning period. i really like the man she is marring. he is nice, funny, and a gentleman. he opens the door for me and asks if i would like a glass of water. there are truly so few gentlemen out there like him anymore. but yet i find myself mourning. i think it is because of 2 things. one, c and i have been so close in the past because we have been in similar places in life and could empathize with each other. i am not even close to getting married, so i don't know how the relating to each other thing is going to keep being so strong. and two, i'm kind of jealous. i'm not attracted to her soon to be hubby but i really wish i could have a man in my life like him... well, a man in my life like him that i was attracted to. i have a good guy friend who is a true gentleman as well, but there is no attraction. but there isn't. so i mourn.

my latest endeavor

i recently started running. i am NOT a runner. i AM a dancer, a walker, a tennis player, a golfer... pretty much everything but a runner. i run for 3 reasons; i am chasing a ball (tennis or soccer), there is an emergency, or i am playing a game at work. i can only remember one time in my life when i said to myself, "i'm gonna go for a run," and liked it when i was done. there is also the problem of having old lady hips at the age of 23. i danced on my middle and high school dance teams and now have hips that ache almost everyday. it pretty much sucks! if i run more than 4 minutes at a time, they scream at me for the next 3 days, "al, why did you torture us?"

so, you may be asking yourself, "al, why have you started to run?" that, blog-readers, is a very good question. here is the answer: i am tired of driving 20 miles, each way, to get to the nearest gym to work out. i wanted something that i can do in my gymless town that doesn't require me to spend butt loads of money on equipment and videos i probably won't use. and why not just walk? because it is not doing anything for my fading girlish figure. and, i recently went to the hip doctor. he gave me hip stretches. they actually work (for the most part)!!!!

so now i run... it is defiantly not fast or far, but it is coming along.

AND... i'm kind of starting to like it. *gasp*

one of my weaknesses

i know we haven't known each other very long, but i'm just going to jump in and say what's on my mind. go big or go home right?

i hate confrontation. never have. i don't know if i ever will. in my current job, i am a supervisor. confrontational skills would be nice. i wish i could set aside my "am i going to hurt their feelings?" thinking and think "i need to say this because it is going to help them do their job." i'm working on it.

it isn't just in my job where i suffer from this problem. it is in my personal life too; generally when i like someone. i worry that if i say what i'm feeling or what is bothering me, i am going to scare the person away. i have only been in one relationship when i've been able to just say things. i miss that; the openness and honesty (among other things that i'm sure we'll talk about later). so my question is how do you get those things when a relationship isn't in that place? i suppose you just start saying things. you start being open and honest and hope they will too. it can't be worse than sitting here and wondering, can't be worse than holding it all in. can it?

so how do you do that when it scares you to death?

let's see how this goes

i've been thinking about starting a blog for awhile now. there are a couple of blogs that i read. they make me want to write. but i never thought i had enough to say. it is getting closer to summer, which means my life is going to get busier and, hopefully, more exciting.

There are somethings that i should share since this is our first time together:

1. you have probably noticed that i am writing with no capitalization. one of the blogs i read does this. i am going to steal the idea and use it. it makes survival easier... and i like it A LOT. and it also helps with emphasizing things.
2. i really like to use the ellipsis. if you don't know what they are, it is the three periods (...) get used to seeing them...
3. the name of my blog is "stories of survival: the ramblings of a city girl living in small town." i grew up in a city of 55,000, went to college in a city of 90,000, spent 4 months in "the cities" (the minneapolis/st.paul area for those who aren't from the midwest). now, i live and work in a small town of 200 people. i'll let you use your brain cells to make the rest of that connection. here is a picture of it:

I think that is enough for tonight. there will be more introductions and getting to know eachother in the days to come.