Surviving Anxiety

i have a job for the fall. i will be working at a a school 45 miles away as the 3-6 grade math teacher... and another subject, too. i just don't know what it is. i've asked 3 times int he last month. i've also asked what the schedule will be and how long i'll have the students for. three times and still no response. it is making me incredibly anxious and frustrating.

then i made the mistake of looking on the website on the school district that i live in and there was a 3rd grade position open. i applied. now i am anxious about that too. will i get an interview? is this really what i want? what happens if i am offered the position? can i walk away from the other school when it is so close to the start of the school year? how will i feel about myself if i do that?

i could get really excited about both positions. the idea of the students rotating and getting to have lost of students sounds fun. and i really like math so that would be cool. but then having one grade would be amazing. that is what i feel like i'd be the best at. if i compare my student teaching (grade 4, 25 students) and last year (k-3 grade and 5 students) i was SO much more comfortable with the one grade and 25 students. that makes me lean towards the one grade.

but then the other part of me keeps thinking, "how could i do that to the school?" this makes me think about how i could do it for a year and get some more experience and then eventually be able to get into the district i live in.

but then if i am offered the position is if God saying here is your chance....


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

enough ramblings...

Surviving the Time Flying By

forgive the language...

HOLY SHIT!!!!! i only have 13 days of school left! i'm not some one who usually swears, but i couldn't really figure out another way to say how i was feeling. i can not believe that that is all i have left. i am slightly terrified because of all i have left to teach and i don't have a job for next fall, but mostly relieved because then i don't have to go to work every day with 2 people that i don't really like and i don't have to pretend that i like them.

on some other notes...
i am going to be on a sand volleyball team this summer. i am REALLY excited about it. the church that i got to sometimes is putting one together and i'm gonna be on it.

i am getting closer to finding a summer job.

i ran a 9:30 minute mile yesterday.

tomorrow is saturday.

oddly or not so oddly relieved

i'm not gonna lie; it has been a hard school year. not only was i trying to figure out how to be an effective teacher, but i had to figure out how to teach 3 grades at the same time and how to teach music. it was a lot to figure out. it wouldn't have been so bad, but the other teacher, teacher's aid, and i didn't really mesh. we were civil to eachother but things always seemed fake. (i hate when people are fake.) it was also a hard year because i felt ganged up on. the other classroom teacher and the teacher's aid are friends. i felt like they were always watching me to see when i would mess up so they could use it against me. it is really hard to go to work feeling that way.

about a month go started to be the time to think about if i wanted to come back or not. i had many sleepless nights. "can i handle it for another year?" "is it worth is?" "insert many more questions here." those nights increased as the night of negotiations neared. that was on tuesday. all my sleepless nights were for nothing. because of the low enrollment for next year they are going to go to one teacher and one teacher's aid. and i wasn't the teacher to get the job. the other teacher has a year of seniority on my. i am oddly relieved... maybe not oddly. my intention was to wait until the last moment to sign my contract and continue to look for another job. now i am free to look without feeling like i am sneeking around. it is a good feeling.

now the sleepless nights are because of the worries of not finding anything.

living for the special moments

i have a wonderful boyfriend... but we really are opposites in most way. i like to be social; he would rather stay in. i look on the bright side of things; he looks at the negative. i like to say what i'm feeling; he keeps everything inside. i like to hug, hold hands, and kiss; he likes his personal space bubble, etc.

last weekend, those differences caused a little fighting... it was not fun, not fun at all. if you know me at all you know that i hate confrontation and i hardly get mad, but i was mad twice last weekend and confronted N both times. we worked through it and there was not fighting this week.

and then there was friday. friday made up for all the hurt feelings of last weekend. After going out from supper, we came back to my apartment, and we cuddled on the couch. and then he had to go, but that is when the special moment happened. on his way out, he put his hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, said, "Night Sweety," and kissed me. i know it doesn't sound like much, but when your boyfriends doesn't usually say anything to show his feelings, it is big, really big.

it is these special moments that make life worth living.

A Long Hiatus

Wow! it has been awhile. a long while. i didn't realize how long until just now. i've been very unmotivated... but this week has changed it. we got out of school at noon on tuesday, didn't have school on wednesday, and don't have school today. the unexpected days off have been refreshing.

life has been interesting... well not really life but work. as many of you know, i work in an incredibly small school. if is nothing like anything they teach you in college.... NOTHING! they try to teach you how to make your lessons address the different levels of one grade of students, but not 4 grades. i'm not gonna lie. it has been a hard year. very hard. but i feel like things are starting to change. i feel like the 2 other teachers and i are finally starting to work together and that the i've found my grove. we had conferences last night... that helped too. it's good to know that the parents are happy and like me.

we have had 2 blizzards in the last 11 days... i was ready for spring but now i REALLY want it to come. in some places, when the calendar says it is spring, there is spring weather. that is NOT true for nd. i really want to be able to run outside again. i know i could not but i'm just not that hard core.

so here's hoping for a good final 7 weeks of school and nice weather so i can run outside.